10 years ago I was in a dark, moist, place in my life. So much had gone wrong and so much pain had been caused that I no longer could see the light – I had stopped caring. I stopped caring about my looks, my hair hadn’t been managed for years, my skin was green/blue/yellow from not leaving the house and I was fat. No, I’m not exaggerating, I was fat. Smoking, drinking and not giving a f**k about anything truly leaves a person to decompose. Truth is that I didn’t care about my state of health, never the less my potential future. Everything had gone to piddle at pretty much the same time, a few years earlier. At that point, I still had some fight in me, I still had the go of the 26 year old I was, in me. My energy level after having to deal with a difficult breakup, death of loved ones, financial problems and failure at university, had sank to minimal levels – but it wasn’t gone completely. In my head a quote from Robbie Williams was on constant repeat: “I don’t wanna die, but I ain’t keen on living either”. No matter how hard life felt, I knew it would get better. At some point. But after 26, it continued straight towards hell until I couldn’t breath anymore. I couldn’t get air. Sometimes, alone in my apartement, I grasped for air, tried to hyper ventilate but I still couldn’t get enough. Sometimes I fainted, sometimes I crawled into the shower with my clothes on and laied there for hours. It was a dark place and I had no interest in trying to fix my life any longer.
One day I decided to go visit a friend in Copenhagen. I almost didn’t, because I felt like shit, as usual, but now I can’t describe how happy I am that I went. There was a guy there, visiting a colluege of my friend, and he instantly showed an interest in me. At first I thought that he was wierd, come on, just look at me! Routine in my life at this point was that guys came on to me, either 5 to 5 when the bar was about to close and they hadn’t found anybody else, or they came on to me because the ugly fat girl is “easy prey”. This guy was different though. He never made a hit on me. He simply wanted to walk next to me, talking to me and keep me company to a distant bathroom – just to make sure I got there and back ok. After a couple of days he had awoken something inside of me which had been deeply buried for years; my curiosity. I was intrueaged by this creature who seemed to be genuinly interested in me. Still couldn’t understand why, but there he was, smiling at me, winking at me, wanting to share stories. Our ways parted, but we continued talking and chatting over Skype every day. About a month later he came to Sweden to visit, and even though we had kissed before, I remember the first kiss we had in my appartement. My cheeks grew really hot and red, as if it was my first kiss ever, and he teased me about it. Then one day, about a year later, he knocked on my door and said “Hey, I quit my job in England, I really don’t have anything going for me there. Can I stay with you for a while, we can see how it works.”
What a game changer it was for me. I began to live again. 3 years of total self-destruction had put it’s traces in me and it’s taken time to get back on track, but I would never have been able to get my focus, nor my life, going again if it wasn’t for him. He’s been there the whole time, and no matter how rough the patch has been, he’s been cheering me on. Of course we’ve had ups and downs, and sometimes the downs have been so heavy that I’ve thought “this is it, now he’s leaving”. But then he hasn’t. He stayed and we worked it out, and now, for the first time in forever, I have a positive view on the future. There are few things in life that makes me happier than when he stretches his back and talks about me with pride in his voice. Every time he does that, my confidence in reaching my goals and dreams become even stronger. Today I have achieved so incredibly many life goals and dreams which I thought were impossible for me to ever reach 10 years ago. There are almost no situations of my life where I would want to go back in time, but this is one of them. I want to go back 12 years to meet myself, so I can explain that my lifestyle was unnecessary, I will be fine again. In fact, I will be great, again. So stop whatever destructive behaviour you’re doing, girl, and start preparing for a teriffic life!
Like a lot of people, I’m brought up with the slogan “you make your own happiness”, but at this point in my life it stands clear that that’s only partially true. You’re nothing without the people around you, you’ll achieve nothing if there’s no new meetings in your life, if there’s nobody there to ever cheer you on or help you out when you need support. I would be nothing today if it wasn’t for this man; my husband and the father of our children. The gratitude I feel for his patience, for him to always support me and to push me just the right amount in the right direction, will always stay with me and encourage me to fight just a little bit more.
Today we’re in the claws of a vicious virus which makes it very hard for the stricken person to get air into their lungs, if any at all. One can’t breathe and without the help of other people, they will suffocate. 10 years ago that was my reality, even if it wasn’t caused by a virus. Despite the strange and difficult times we’re in right now, it will get better. Thanks to one person, my view on life has changed forever; it will always get better – just stick around to fight the bad, and you’ll see – the sun will shine on you again. Despite these aweful times, husband and I decided that we would celebrate our first meeting, and booked a spa retreat at a nicer hotel. Don’t worry, the very few guests and staff here all keep their distance. Our only yet born child heard about our romantic plans and decided to join us. He was so thrilled about it that he started packing his Pippi Longstocking suitcase straight away, and we didn’t have the hearts to tell him he couldn’t come. So we brought him along. After all, Igge is a very good symbol of how chaos of darkness can turn around to chaos of love and light.
I can never repay you for giving me this chance to a happy life, for making me see the world behind the ugliness and to helping me become an independent woman. Thank you, my love, my man, my happy chipmunk. No matter what happens in the future, I will always love you eternally.